Question Marks That Left A Mark
Like a fish hook, it only takes one “?” to grab me and pull me through a slew of other questions.
This past week she’s been in my dreams every night. Each dream is different, but the question remains the same. Why?
Why is there no communication? Why did your parents support it? Why did they threaten my life, after claiming they loved me? Why make a covenant with God, just to so flagrantly break it? Why am I blocked? Why won’t the people I came to call family, even talk to me? Why wont my friends, I’ve had for a decade, talk to me? What are you telling them? Do you really still think it’s 100% my fault? Do you dream of me too? Did you ever love me? How will I trust when somebody actually loves or truly cares about me? Are what people saying true, are you really already going out with other men? Was it all one big lie? Did your heart turn to go all in to Jesus too? Have you repented? Do you care about my name or reputation, like I care about yours? Or are you tarnishing it to everybody we know? Do you resent the fact I didn’t chase after you? Do you wish I did? Are you glad I didn’t? Are you happy? Did all your anxiety and health problems go away because I’m gone, like you said they would? Are you having as much fun as my friends say you’re trying to portray on instagram? Was trading a life together for a life of new friends and shallow thrills worth it? Did you learn anything from this? Are you still the victim and life is your oppressor? Do you care? Do you trust? Do you still want the life we dreamed about like I do? Do you realize I’ve gained enough self worth that even if you came back it’s too late? Did you realize that we brought out the least ideal versions of each other? Do you know if you didn’t leave, I never would have? Do you know I loved you so much that I still care about your salvation and well-being? Do you know I still defend you? Do you know that even though I wanted to chase after you, God instructed me not to and I was just listening to Him? Do you have the Holy Spirit too? Do you know God would NEVER tell you to divorce your husband? Do you know you’ll have to lie to your future husband, if you’re looking for a Godly man, on what happened? Do realize detaching our soul bond can’t be done with a government paper? Do you ever think of the unborn babies faces you eliminated with a pill from a place of fear? Do you think those pills had side effects? Do you think those side effects affected your decision making? Do you realize we changed each other in ways we can never go back to how it was the way before? Do you lay in bed alone wondering what I’m thinking too? Do you ask yourself questions like I do?
I awake and can’t help my brain from going down the dark path of unanswered questions, only to realize they most likely will never be answered. Even if they were, how could I trust they were true? Why would you start telling the truth now? Thank God for His loving commitment to show me each and every day that the mysteries of the universe don’t always need answers. He protects and guides me. He’s shown me a practice of spending my first waking hour with Him in a quite place, no matter where I am in the country that day, it’s a place that is familiar. He pulls me up and out of the pit of unanswered questions and reassures me of the only truth I need to know. He IS love. When I think I won’t know how to love again, He shows me the way. When I don’t know what to do, I have Him to tell me. He helps me. I pray, He answers. I’m lonely, He comforts me. My love language is physical touch and He STILL finds a way to fill my love tank beyond max capacity, over flowing into those around me. His loving commitment gives me hope, my faith is strengthened each and everyday by His grace. He promises me I will be a father, and although I thought it was happening this year, He guarantees what’s to come is greater. It’s always a win-win situation with God. I get to have beautiful, healthy, God honoring children - they get a more mature, Godly, respectable, leader dad. He continues to prepare me everyday so that I may be the greatest possible dad to the future children. Like a samurai sword I am beaten, folded, heated, beaten, folded, put back in the fire. Each time coming out stronger than before. The dross of my iniquities is skimmed from the top of the forge of His fire. Each day I am wiser, realizing I know less than the day before. My days end in joy, filled with His love. Only to dream again and see her face. Next day is an opportunity to show my face at His alter, pleading my case once more. He picks me up, rings me out, and send me on my way fresh and ready to share the Good News.
Thank God for Jesus!
