Finding myself
I always wondered what people meant when they said they are trying to “find themselves”. Are you not right here? You are actually the only person that knows where you are at all times. Not so obviously, finding yourself goes beyond physical location.
The more life I live, I realize how much more REAL the spiritual world is than the physical world. Life is way more about mindset and energy, than it is circumstances and what we are able to touch. This month God lead me on a great journey, with no destination planned. I was simply following His will for my life and in return I found something I wasn’t looking for. Myself.
I did not realize as I transitioned into adult hood I lost something that made me, me. I don’t know the word for it, but maybe creativity? Spirit? Fun? Dancing, smiling, optimistic energy. It’s more of a feeling than a something I can put a word to. It’s so out there, I didn’t realize it was gone until I felt it again. Child-like innate Daniel DeBrincat spirit. I was always blessed with a half glass full mindset, passed down to me from my parents and grandparents. Somewhere along the way I choose into fear. Anxiety of the future, regret from the past haunted me. I tried escaping with pot and sex, but the more I tried to escape, the further I got away from this Spirit.
When we get saved by Jesus we are blessed with the gift of His Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit joins with the spirit of man, not replaces it. Choosing into the spirit of man, or flesh, NEVER leads down a path of spiritual health. The past few years I joined with an energy of fear, not love. This decision slowly made me into the least ideal version of myself. Through the storm of my wife leaving without warning and indefinitely I had a decision to make. Choose despair or repair. I chose God.
This decision lead me to today. I realize as I travel across the country with God on my mind, heart and soul all day long, EVERYBODY was SO nice! It didn’t rain or snow. No car troubles. No hotels. No eating out. Everywhere I went I trusted in Him. Every night I had a bed to sleep in and food to eat. I felt like a disciple in the Bible when Jesus told his 12 guys to go out with no money or extra clothes, but to trust that the Lord to provide for them wherever they go. Everywhere I went, I left with a deep feeling that God truly shined His light through me to make an impact on the people I stayed with. This brought me great joy.
“Do not get any gold or silver or copper to take with you in your belts— 10 no bag for the journey or extra shirt or sandals or a staff, for the worker is worth his keep. 11 Whatever town or village you enter, search there for some worthy person and stay at their house until you leave. 12 As you enter the home, give it your greeting. 13 If the home is deserving, let your peace rest on it; if it is not, let your peace return to you.” - Matthew 10:9-13
I only realized last night that I made this happen. I chose into God. The energy I brought forth on this trip invited people in and gave them permission them to also be joyful. My mantra this month was, “We live in the best time to be alive that there’s ever been.” I would tell people this, they all would contort their faces and proceed to tell me why i’m wrong. By the end of the convo they would end up agreeing with me. I would simply look around and say, “right here, right now, everything is amazing. We have everything we need and more. Where we are right now, is not on fire. What a blessing.” I’ve noticed people focus on the world falling apart, or at least what the propaganda online programs us to focus on, and forget to look around where they actually are in the moment. Life is great. We are alive.
As I continue to live in the moment with trust and love, I understand deeper how everything happens for a reason. I WILL choose into victim mode every single day. How long will I stay there? This has been my main focus, bouncing back from intruding thoughts FAST, by leaning into Him instantly.
I finally feel like myself again. Joyful. Dancy. Excited about life! Spontaneous. Living out dreams. Desiring and living out purity. Creativity gushing out so fast I can’t even grasp all the ideas. I am actually thankful for the tear in my heart that was left, because God got to come in and do surgery, patch me back up, and send me back out into the world stronger than I ever was.
The dreams we shared are not dead. My dreams of movie making, I gave up because “I have a wife now”, are back. My dreams of traveling the world are in action. My dreams of a family are still alive. I believe that my true wife is out there. One that, when we are together, will bring out the ideal version of each other. One that will actually love me enough to be honest with me, and call me out when i’m out of integrity. One that will love me for who I am, not try to change me. One that wont leave, breaking gods covenant, when she’s not feeling it anymore. One thats in it for life, wanting to work through the problems, not just make a list of demands and leave. I will remain extremely patient. I’m in no rush, I will use this time of singleness to become a man worthy of the wife who will help raise a army of beautiful, great, world changing, children. I will use this time to continue to prepare myself to be the best man humanly possible. A man his children look up to and want to be like.
By following Gods will, He has brought out the best version of myself and has given me so much peace. Peace is knowing that the present is exactly where I need to be, and that I have control on how I choose to see it. Joy is peace in action.
Shabbat Shalom.
