What I learned from Divorce
There are 3 decisions one makes in his life that are most important.
1.) Choosing your God.
We all have a mighty one we worship. Jesus Christ is the wisest and ultimately correct decision, but even atheist have a God. It can be science, money, self, another person, drugs, anything can be an idol. Choosing whom you worship is definitely on the top of the list of most important decisions you’ll ever make in your life. This decision will be a deciding factor of everlasting life or death.
2.) Career.
This is what you will toil and work after all of your days. You better make sure you are passionate about the task that brings your lively hood or you may live a life that is not fulfilling. Careers can be shifted and changed many times over one’s life, but dedicating yourself to a set of skills that are in alinement with your talents, purpose, and values is a very important decision. Making sure you build something you are proud of, and get out of bed excited for us critical to a life worth living! Let’s not forget you can’t be and think freely without money or you are owned by your profession, so make sure it makes enough capital so that you can live free and stand by your values.
3.) Who you marry.
Marriage can and should be a highlight of one’s life. Choosing who you marry can make or break a great man. Choosing your other half to do life with, who will build you up, someone who you trust and love more than any other human on the planet, is a key factor to a life of success and honor. This is the person who will bare and help raise your children, who will continue your legacy.
I have been rewriting this post for about 7 months. Reviewing and editing it as I wrestle with God as He transforms my mind to gather new meaning. I come back to it every month borderline embarrassed in my previous mindset on this matter. As I lean into God and search my soul for the true takeaway of this situation, each day that passes the message is clearer.
Divorced is something I never thought I would be. Although not of my will or doing, for my wife left me, we are BOTH equally divorced. She didn’t divorce me. I didn’t divorce her. It’s not 50/50. It’s 100/100. We made many promises to each other on our wedding day. One of them was to never even say the word divorce. Yet less than 2 years into marriage, here we are.
It’s not in Gods Will that I make since of this situation or have all my questions answered on the matter, I’m just writing this to speak of my experience of marriage and as a final reminder to my future self so that this never happens again. For my true wife that will bare my children, we will be married until death do us part. Not just words spoken, but a lifetime of walking it out.
I really love marriage. I enjoyed being married. I was even foolish enough to think everything was fine up until the day she told me it was over. Reflecting back on it there were obvious signs of her distress that lead to this action.
As we got married, it seemed the night of our wedding, things changed rapidly. Now it takes two to tango and I’m not a saint. The downfall of our marriage was not a single persons fault, but there were signs instantly something was wrong. Within weeks, maybe a few months, I felt like I was in the friend zone with my wife. Feelings festered in her and she didn’t tell me her real feelings until it was too late, on her way out the door.
I’m responsible
Nowhere in this post will I talk about her or what I think she did wrong, because as a man I am responsible for my life and everything in it. I have no control over what other people do, I only have control over myself and what I can do in the future. I reflect back on my past actions and cringe. HARD. I was a weak minded man, and not a leader. I thought because I was making good money and lived on my own that I was ready, but I was unequipped to lead a family of my own. My future children will thank God for the trials He put me through to become a worthy man to raise them.
I don’t think anybody is truly “ready” for when they get married or have children, but the man of the house hold certainly needs to be a man. One lie I bought into was that women like it when their man is open with his emotions. This is not true. I was WAY to open with how I felt, and this opened up the flood gates to let emotions control my life. A man is not lead by emotions but leads his emotions. Has control over them. Does what needs to be done no matter how he’s feeling. This is mental strength. No woman respects a man who isnt in control of his own mind. A wife looks to her husband for emotional stability and I provided the exact opposite environment leading to pure chaos. Allowing fear, Covid, the news, anxiety, depression and lust control my actions and words. Why would ANY woman attach herself and future security to a man like this?
My #1 problem had to be avoidance. When things got uncomfortable, I would run away. I would leave physically, usually go smoke pot and pray to God to bring me wisdom and peace, then return red eyed and peaceful. We would talk, then I thought all was well. I didn’t trust myself to be able to have the “right” emotions, because when things got stressful I would freak out. I was weak. I’ve noticed as i’ve stopped smoking pot my emotions have gotten MUCH more stable. I feel like the ups and downs of life are much closer to homeostasis since being sober and I’m thankful. All the good qualities I like about myself are dominate when I am sober minded. For everything good about me is from the Lord and I can hear from Him clearest without a cloud of smoke over my head. I’m able to remain grounded and centered through all situations, continuously praying to Yahweh and gaining peace and wisdom in the moment.
I remember 2 specific times, both at the airport, when I got VERY stressed out, used harsh language and freaked out over small things like a delayed flight or the wrong name on the ticket. There is no excuse for this behavior ever, especially toward or around my wife. Not a problem solver, but a victim to the situation looking for someone to blame. Anti-patient. As I mature these situations happen less and less frequently. As of lately I feel much more mature, stable and striving for Christ-likeness. The end of last year I missed my flight with no other flight back home for two days and remained not only calm, but thankful. Happy and spreading love. Showing patience to the employees and ended up going to six flags with my friend. More on that story in this blog. This experience meant a lot to me, because it was proof to myself how I have matured in this area.
Broken trust:
Arguably the worst of my transgressions was I broke trust with her, leading to her feeling like she needed to leave. We agreed when we got married that my addiction with pornography, I’ve had since the 3rd grade, was unacceptable. I have felt very guilty and repentive for this habit for many years and when we got married I vowed to never look back. When our relations in the bedroom were not up to my lustful expectations, I used this as an excuse to backslide. I viewed it again. This, i’m SURE, lead to even less interest from her in the bedroom. Complete wrong decision on my part. A side effect of a much bigger root problem.
Now when I would, I was open with her about it. I didn’t hide it and there wasn’t an incident where I was “caught”. She told me at one point that she “understood” I had needs. I convinced myself I had needs and I guess I pleaded that case well enough for her to understand. After the fact I realized I do not NEED that release at all and God views pornography as adultery/lust. I am forgiven and delivered not looking back with guilt, just understanding that I did wrong. I have since been blameless in Gods eyes with this sin. THANK THE LORD!!! FREEDOMM!!!!! I now understand why she left. The trust was broken. Lust had taken the place of love.
Another sign that this marriage was headed in this direction from day 1 was my last name. We are both traditional people, and agreed she would take my last name. Getting her to legally do this and even change her voicemail took about 6-8 months. Even after she changed it, she hyphenated her last name onto it. I didn’t think anything of it at the time, but now I realize this was her 2nd guessing from the start. My name was not worthy for her, because she saw the weakness. Not wanting to make it officially legit and holding onto her last name in case anything happened. A back up plan. Marriages should NOT have back up plans like this. I was foolish enough to view it through rose colored glasses, saying to myself “well I don’t own you like the old days, what does it matter! She has pride in her last name like I do.” This was a very minimal situation of a much larger problem and that was me not being a man who knew how to say “no” and put my foot down, standing up for what I know is right. Throughout the marriage I would want to please her by doing what she said. Opposite of a leader and not activity that leads to respect. Respect is EARNED not GIVEN.
My future wife will want my last name. I will live life in a way that my last name carries honor, worthy of taking on.
Divorce is my worst nightmare, until I’m ready to be in it for life with my true life long bride, I am not seeking out another relationship. To be honest this experience has turned me off from dating completely and I have no intentions getting back into anything until I am worthy of respect that God commands a wife should have for her husband. Building this worth, for myself and my own standards, will take time and a track record of consistency. I will not date, but court my future wife. I know I am destined to have many children and my future wife will be a woman who is strong. A woman who will lift me UP and expects great things from me. A woman that pushes me, a woman that strengthens me. A woman whom, if times get tough and money we’re to get low, wouldn’t/doesn’t leave me. A woman who understands that marriage is a lifetime partnership. She will understand that honor, respect, accountability, and trust trumps the feeling of love every time. She will know I am not perfect, and she will not expect perfection from me, but encourage me to have Christ in the fore front always. I will trust her to let me lead while at the same time acting as the discerning Spirit and guiding us where we need to go when we get off track. Without trust we have nothing.
I accept my role in this 100%. Could I have chased after her harder? Stalked her, find out where she was staying and went to her window with a boombox and flowers? Possibly. Would any of it have helped? I will never know. I let fear control my decision to go after her. Fear of her and her friends making fun of me for being a psychopath stalker, tarnishing my name to anyone who will listen. Fear of her family physically harming me. Fear of trying hard and getting left again. Ultimately the fear that I was not deserving of a second chance because I had not proved to my own self or God that I am worthy of taking care of her and being the rock that she deserves.
In my lowest point, I choose Yahweh. I leaned into God more than any other period of my life and He has given me strength and delivered me from past sins. Now I get to live in true freedom and I finally see myself as He sees me. I feel true peace beyond what weed could ever do for me. I feel true happiness and joy knowing that the Elohim who created the universe CARES ABOUT ME! Loves me even. Loves me more than I could ever comprehend. His word is alive and His hand is over every decision I make. For this reason alone I believe all of this happened. It was not wasted time. It was not some grave mistake, leaving me broken. It was God working in my life to strengthen me, quickly, into a man who will do great things. I feel alive again. I am having big dreams again. My future true wife will understand these dreams that God has placed in my heart and support them.
I hope this helps you future Daniel. That you learn from your mistakes and never look back. As for other people reading this, I hope you gleaned something from it. This is my final log of this experience. I am moving on with my life and am not going to speak poorly about my ex EVER. Only my testimony of falling in love with Jesus is important now. This earthy marriage was just apart of that story.
I would change so many things about my past, but where would I be if I could? I am beyond thankful for this experience and the wisdom that has been bestowed upon me. Yahweh has spared me by showing me great mercy and unending grace. I am here to fulfill a purpose, one part of it is to raise many children to be leaders and world changers. Pain and suffering is all apart of a man’s journey to be refined into the father that will have the capacity to raise such children.
I have found a new love and His name is Yashua. I have NEVER felt love like this. This is true love. Thank you Lord. I shall serve you with all my being for you have proven to me that your plan is so much greater than any plan I could ever conjure up.