NOVEL UPDATE
The beginning of this year I began to write a book. An idea that had initially gestated as a screenplay for a movie, I realized the daunting nature of transforming it into a tangible reality without a budget or crew. I thought writing a book would be easier. BOY WAS I WRONG!
Being a film-maker I know how story flows. I had long held the belief that crafting a narrative through the medium of cinema represented the pinnacle of storytelling complexity. However, after trying to write this book I found a whole new respect for the craft of writers and authors. It is incredibly difficult to write multiple characters interacting having noticeably unique voices, humor, problem solving abilities. Filming a movie, the actor will take ahold of a script and make it their own. Add lines, improv, and of course, because it is visual, they will look and sound different from the other characters. Writing a book as just one man it is tough to keep each characters voices consistent to who they are and not have them all just morph into… well… the way I would talk.
I have touched it up, read over it, wrote many chapters and after spending countless hours on this book, I hate it lol. As it stands, it remains a rough draft, in dire need of refinement and a well-crafted conclusion to give meaning to the narrative. I wouldn’t let my closest friends read it where it is currently, it’s borderline embarrassing. Can it be deemed a failure? I wouldn’t say so.
This year I have really stepped out of my comfort zone to push my limits. I refuse to be a one trick pony, transcending the label of "the video guy" that had been affixed to me. I have continued to try as many new things as possible, within Gods glory of course, to see if theres another passion hidden waiting to be uncovered. This has been something i’ve done my whole life, but this year it has been taken up a couple of notches.
On the surface, this pursuit may seem exhilarating. I have noticed how this trait has its downsides. Firstly, its become an addiction. Without a new hobby, traveling to a new place or trying something new; I get withdraws. Being in the same place too long provokes anxiety. Working the same job for too long triggers boredom. Editing day after day in my room drives me NUTS. I crave to be consistant. I want it so bad. Consistant with my mood, convictions, income, goals, location, schedule, ECT. The addiction to new experiences casts a shadow over consistency.
Next, I acknowledge my propensity to leave things unfinished. When a fresh interest comes along, I take my focus off of one task to pivot to another. I’m not a finisher, which I thought was wrong until I read a book called “The Wonders of You” that showed me the strengths of being a starter and how to utilize that characteristic.
Alas, exploration of “new” is expensive and robs me of time that could be dedicated to wealth creation. Consequently, I find myself in the least financially stable position I've experienced in years, with not enough capitol for investments or savings. At the age of 24, the urgency to achieve something significant looms overhead.
So, what if I dared to try something new and be consistant? Maybe thats the answer to everything! For the past 6 months I have stayed in one place. Working with the same video clients. Having a daily schedule, that from 6AM-11AM, everyday is the exact same. Prayer, Bible, Gym, healthy home-cooked meal. The next part of my day I film, edit, write, whatever is needed. All usually from my desk under my bunkbed. Evenings are reserved for hanging out with friends, watching a movie or engaging in stimulating conversation. I rarely go out. The gym and church is the peak of social interaction out of the house. Everyday, we have tons of people coming over to the house. Its become a hub for everybody to come chill. Kind of like a frat house, without the booze or drugs and lots of Jesus. Life is good!
Yet, paradoxically, despite this consistency and comfort, a persistent yearning to run away pervades my thoughts. Why do I wake up most days low-key dreading this life I built? Why do I think about Colorado and the mountains so much? Ive moved every two years and NEVER thought about the last house I was in. Now i’m living with my best friends and have the greatest community ever, but I wanna go. This comfortably is making me super uncomfortable. The allure of constant change remains, and its grip on me has intensified.
This feeling that I’m meant for so much more bangs at my cerebral door. Everyday I am getting more and more uncomfortable I’m not a millionaire already. My clients videos are not having a global impact yet. I possess an unwavering conviction that I am meant for greatness. Why, then, do I linger in the realm of just good? I know that I would like my future children to grow up in a stable environment. Why can’t I be comfortable in one? Why has consistant made me complacent and stagnate? And why, when I seek answers, do I often find myself drowning in an ocean of further questions?
Come November, i’m taking another road trip to Cali. I need to do it again. This time I might just stay out there and work in at a studio to grow my video and business skills. It makes absolutely no since to leave Florida, my family, this community, but I have been praying about this for months and I’m going to let God open and close doors. Right now the door is wide open to stay out in California for a season, and i’m as free as i’ll ever be, so why not?
I have not abandoned this book! I have given up the idea that it will be published this year, perhaps out in California I can get some help from new friends. Maybe I can work on a project that is seen by millions! Maybe I can gain new skills that quadruples my income. Maybe I’ll meet wifey. Maybe everything will go wrong, but i’ll learn a valuable lesson, that reflected upon, will be a pivotable moment in this journey to fulfill all the dreams Yahweh has placed in my heart.
Its the maybes that drive me. Its living in the uncertain that makes me believe anything is possible. Maybe uncertainty is what excites me most.
